The Prayer of Relinquishment

Many years ago a dear friend, an "older woman", gave me a set of  books by Catherine Marshall.  You may have heard of A Man Called Peter and Christy.  Widowed in her thirties, with a young son, Catherine Marshall faced the spiritual challenge of her life.  But God did great and mighty works in her life and the multitude of lives she touched, like mine.  Although her books are decades old now, and she is gone from this world, her writings remain classics, and have shaped my walk with the Lord. 

So this morning in my quiet time, as I prayed for a friend suffering with cancer, I suddenly thought of something I had read in one of Catherine Marshall's books.  It was about a place in prayer where we, like Jesus, have to say, "Not my will, but Thine, O Lord."  Ms. Marshall had a description for it that I couldn't quite remember.  It's so amazing when God gives a thought and leads you right to the source. I went to the bookcase, picked one from 3 of Ms. Marshall's books that I still have, and it opened right to the chapter--The Prayer of Relinquishment.

When I read this chapter the first time years ago, it was very profound for me.  It put the words in my head that described an experience of relinquishment that was my own.  You see, as a young married woman I had experienced a couple of years of infertility and ultimately an ectopic (tubal) pregnancy.  Eventually, it was time to have more extensive tests to see if I would be able to become pregnant and deliver a healthy infant.

If you've been in this situation you know the thoughts that go through your mind over time . . . the what if's . . . what if my husband leaves me for someone who can bear his offspring; what if we have to face the future childless; what if we can't afford to adopt?  And then the questions . . . Why God?  Is this punishment for___? Why should my husband have to give up having children of his own?  Is it because I would be a bad mother?

I wasn't consumed with these thoughts and questions, but underneath it all, they were never far away. God had put two families with adopted children in our lives.  That sure made it look like God was preparing us for this inevitability.

So the day came when I lay on a cold, hard table, in a cold, dimly lit radiology room, all alone, waiting for the doctor to come and initiate the test that would determine if my uterus and falopian tube (singular, since the other had been removed due to the tubal pregnancy), was open, closed or scarred.

But the struggle I faced in prayer that morning was not about infertility or childlessness.

It was about whether I could trust God . . .

trust in His love for me, trust in His wisdom, trust in His healing power,

trust in His higher purpose. 

 could I trust His sovereignty?

In those moments of prayer, in the fear of my future without children of our own, God brought me to

a place of Relinquishment.  

It was the most glorious peace I had experienced since the night of my salvation.

I knew that I had just entered into God's presence, and He had held me.  

link to song, "Held" by Natalie Grant

The fear was gone, and His love and strength to face what would come . . . His plan, not mine . . . was so real, I literally felt lifted above that cold, hard table.

Then the doctor and radiologist came in, the procedure was started, and I experienced the worst pain of my life, as the dye was injected into my uterus and forced into the falopian tube.  The pain began as a full and burning sensation, but gradually grew until I thought I would pass out.  The doctor's face was very serious, and then suddenly I felt an explosion in my abdomen followed by a gradual release of pain. 

In the days following the procedure, we were left in a state of limbo, not knowing what our future of childbearing would be.  But we had hope--there was a possibility that the pressure of the dye being injected may have opened the tube, which the procedure had revealed to be closed.  However, the caveat was that the tube could still be scarred and cause another tubal pregnancy.

But I had PEACE in my heart, that God was in control, and our future was in His hands.

Relinquishment gave me Hope as I rested in the Promise that He had a Plan.

In my case, as you know if you've read about my children, God had opened the tube, and gave us three healthy babies without complications. I became pregnant with our daughter during the month after the procedure.  And God gave us two sons during the years that followed.

But, I can assuredly say, that I know God had also given me the faith, on that day of Relinquishment, to trust Him even if I had not been able to have children from my own womb.

As I remember the excruciating pain and explosion in my belly as the pressure of the dye pushed against my organs, I wonder . . . Could the pain have been the beginning of God's power to resurrect life in my body?  Could the relinquishment of my dreams for His purposes, been a sacrifice, pleasing and acceptable to my God, a sacrifice that would yield his favor?

The Prayer of Relinquishment has been a powerful force in my life.  When my husband faced being paralyzed, God brought peace to my heart as I released the future to Him, and claimed the specific Word that He gave me that day to WAIT on Him . . . for the mounting up, for the walking and running. I sat alone in a waiting room breathing in and out, my heart still in His presence, absorbing His strength, once again held by his arms.

When my youngest son was walking in inner pain and rebellion, I relinquished my sorrow and fear for his future to my God who had created him and had a plan for his life. Although it was almost a daily exercise, God worked to free me from guilt and anxiety, and gave me life-giving prayers that gave me peace and eyes to see His work in my son's life. He gave me patience, hope and endurance, even when I was weak...

The Prayer of Relinquishment is so much more, however, than just a sense of faith and hope and peace.  It is saying to God, "I freely give you my self-will, what I think I need, and open my heart and mind to willingly receive what you know is best for Your purposes."  

As Catherine Marshall stated, "I'm tired of asking (for healing)...I'm beaten, finished.  God, You decide what You want for me. . . . Gradually, I saw that a demanding spirit, with self-will as its rudder, blocks prayer. . . God absolutely refuses to violate our free will; that, therefore, unless self-will is voluntarily given up, even God cannot move to answer prayer." Adventures in Prayer

Some may ask if this Relinquishment is just a lack of faith, a resignation of hopelessness? Or is it the essence of a heart and mind that says to God, "with you I can face my fear, my trepidation about this road I'm on, and believe in Your love, grace, mercy, power, and plan that will accomplish more than I can ever comprehend."

Dear Father . . . all things are possible to you.  Let me not have to drink this cup!  

Yet it is not what I want but what you want.   Mark 14:36

This was Jesus looking at the torture and death He was facing, and asking God to change His plan. "YET," he yielded to God's will in obedience. "I will voluntarily give up my self-will to do what you want."

"The prayer was not answered as the human Jesus wished.  

Yet power has been flowing from His Cross ever since."

Adventures in Prayer

This West Texas fire, much like the battles we face in prayer, stopped at the foot of the Cross.

 And when God sends rain He will bring the barrenness back to life . . .